


Lost hope

by Letkunimirest



Category: Ensemble Girls! (Video Game), Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: All of 2A is mentioned but man they don't really talk, Angst, F/F, F/M, M/M, Some ensemble girls mentions!, Some good ol big brother Kuro, and guaranteed Anzu and trickstar friendship, anzu has feelings and ponders on why, it might have a happy ending but it's kinda up in the air atm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 13:20:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13788600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Letkunimirest/pseuds/Letkunimirest
Summary: Anzu gets hanahaki after she transferred for about a few months, she doesn't know how and she doesn't care for why but she'd be damned if she lets it get the best of her. She has work to do and Trickstar doesn't need the death of a producer to deal with.After all, her life didn't belong to her did it? She belonged to the producer role and that belonged to her idols. She wasn't allowed to make her own reckless decisions anymore.





	1. Things never work out well

Anzu realizes as soon as she gets home after a long day of work, that she is sick- it's not that uncommon for her to be sickly with her immune system not being quite as strong as she made it out to be and since she knows it's a mere pain in her throat, she ignores it until she gets to her room to change into more casual clothes. The pain was more of a choking sensation now and the feeling in her stomach was practically screaming at her to vomit. So, after putting on a baggy sweater gifted to her by Suzu who she hadn't seen ever since her transfer, she ran towards the bathroom. Only to find through her blurred vision and fearful gaze from the burning sensation that lurked in her throat like some sort of poison, that it wasn't what she thought- Anzu knew what to expect, but the outcome of her dry heaving was petals bright in colour and stained slightly in blood. Anzu didn't know what flower they were from, but it was a bloody mess and she knew why she threw them up. 

This was something Suzu often mentioned, halfheartedly when they teased each other, "Don't fall in love with me unless you want hanahaki!" She would often say as her odd eyes glittered, and she found herself gazing hopelessly at the almost blindingly bright petals, she found that the pinkish hue was hurting her eyes though she knew that was an emotional response to this. Thoughts of Suzu didn't cause this, she knew- for if it had been the cause, she wouldn't have had such a delayed reaction and those feelings for the girl had long since passed, her and Suzu were no longer in love because really, the lack of communication made it hard to keep up. This only happened to start when she was in the halls of Yumenosaki, writing down plans for a Trickstar live while listening to the excited chatters in the halls. She knew it had to be one of the boys she spent her time producing for.

Anzu found her lips quirk up in a bitter smile, anxieties filling her head as she finally reached over and flushed them away hoping her feelings would go with it, although, the thought was naive. She let out a soft laugh that lacked humor. "What a bitter cycle this is." With that, she cleaned herself up, making herself look as presentable as possible before walking out to pass her younger brother. She didn't like when others worried about her, and she had to keep up the apearance of the reliable older sister, hadn't she? 

When she finally made her way back to her room she found herself gazing hopelessly at the window, as she didn't know quite what else to do. Game consoles remaining untouched, and tv remaining off. She didn't feel like a horror movie today, and solving murders in Dangan Ronpa didn't appeal to her. Not tonight. She simply pulls out her notebook and writes down more ideas for lives, note after note of what she could do to improve each idea, as it was the only way to distract her from the fact she felt as though no air entered her lungs.

As she was walking to school the next day, she bumped into Subaru. She smiled at him as he flung her arms around her, energetic as ever and bright as a star. She lightly pressed a hand on his arm as a sign for when they should separate and he surprisingly enough picked up on the gesture, perhaps their closeness was one that she misjudged. She couldn't be the only one picking up on habits, after all. The walk to the school felt incredibly short and she found herself smiling, perhaps the feeling of flowers was only a brief one. She discarded feelings before, after all. It was an easy thing to do. 

When he left and she heard chatters of some students passing her as she took off her shoes to change into her indoor shoes, she found it wasn't. "Trickstar's goddess of victory" was no longer a title she held, not really but she heard mocking whispers of such a phrase from some students she hadn't actually met as Kuro would ushered her away from anyone he knew would be a threat to her. She sighed, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear as the sickness hit her like a man who had a vendetta against her- perhaps she was in love with the idea of idols and that was why...she couldn't have those feelings returned should it be for a concept, after all. 

Such a thing, was obviously not the case. Saying one could fall in love with a concept, would be a lie, hanahaki only recognizes love for a person, after all. Anzu had to accept that should she wish to beat this sickness, such a disease was ill befitting of a producer. She should live for idols, work for them and keep them smiling- she should not die off for them as she was dumb enough to forget the rule about idols being unable to date and being unable to belong to a single person. She shouldn't be selfish. Anzu nods to herself, which causes a few confused glances at the sudden determination that filled the producer's face. She walked to class as soon as she stored her shoes in her shoe locker, filled with ideas on how to get rid of these feelings.

Anzu greeted her classmates, smiling brightly at Makoto, waving to Hokuto - her usual routine of being just affectionate enough to be their friend but not enough for any misunderstandings. The difference, however was notable, after all, since when did Anzu refer to anyone by their last name? The friendliness was not gone, but the closeness had been snatched away. She was distant enough to be their producer but she knew any closer would be dangerous.

Hokuto approached her desk when she sat down and she smiled at him. "Yes Hidaka-San?"

He seemed almost taken aback before he remembered why he had approached. "Did something happen to you, Anzu? You've been...Calling us by our last names." It was a very Hokuto approach, straight forward and showing concern for a friend but not as blunt and harsh as one would expect. Anzu smiled. He's...he's definitely not the one she fell for, despite how brilliant she found him to be. She knew this, but knew if she only treated the one she had fallen for harshly, it would be obvious. The one she had fallen for, didn't deserve that and was very happy with someone else so punishing him for his happiness would be a cruel, cruel thing to do. 

"Well, Hidaka-San! I've been told that I am too close to everyone and it is distracting you from idol activities, which we cannot have." She responds, a smile on her face, and Hokuto blinks in response as though such an accusation was one he hadn't heard before hand. She had been told that she was to make everyone into stars even if they hated her for it, but maybe she was the only one who had been told such a thing. She wanted to cry out demands for a certain boy to hate her, but such a thing would cause needless drama. It would be better to make everyone hate her, too. It might not help her mental state, but it would be for the best.

Hokuto opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by the bell and had to return to his seat, but he passed Anzu a concerned glance which she returned with an apologetic smile. Class was dull, which was saying a lot as Anzu normally listens to every word with no hesitation, smiling more and more at each word as each word was a learning experience but she couldn't concentrate. Thoughts of a certain idol, overworked but very kind, and very close to her heart haunted her every thought and she found herself desperately gnawing on a pencil for the whole period. 

She gathered her things after the period ended and found herself talking to Adonis, if only to evade Hokuto for a while, but continued the conversation even after he walked past her. She liked Adonis. He was simple and he was kind but many people thought ill of him based off appearances alone and if that was how the world actually worked, then she wouldn't be quite as close to Kuro as she was. She adored them both and would rather talk to them than a random boy on the street who looked kind but was sadistic in reality. Adonis was the only one besides Kuro who she wasn't going to refer to by last names, they were not deserving of such sudden change as she knew she couldn't ever fall for them, as they had a brotherly nature which was similar to Arashi's caring sisterly one and she wouldn't risk such relationships. 

...The thought of losing her companionship with Trickstar was more painful than anything but she knew if she got over Mao, she'd fall for another member and considered it regardless of how dizzy and sick the thought made her feel. They were her light, they were her first friends in the entire school and they meant more to her than she would openly admit. Anzu, wasn't cheesy and the words felt almost humorous in her head but they were the only reason she was able to smile again. No producer should play favorites but there was a reason many still mockingly called her their goddess of victory still.

The name didn't sting the way they intended it to. She remembers when it embarrassed her but now it brought back a strange sense of nostalgia. She loves them. She loves them a lot and they mean so much to her that the name made her happy no matter how people say it. She didn't like the distance it seemed to being as though she wasn't a friend but some sort of diety but she loves the thought of being important to those who matter most to her. She snorts, remembering how she fought tooth and nail for them back then.

She would do it again. She probably wouldn't hesitate to do anything they asked of her. They meant more to her than she would have liked. She knows that perhaps, losing them would be better but she couldn't do that. No matter how much she considers it. She'd rather face the death that was promised from this damned disease than lose the only people who made her smile after last year.

This would be difficult she thought, as she stood up and walked to the garden terrace which would be deserted at this time period and found herself hiding away in the area where Ritsu normally naps. She felt the tears fall down her face as soon as she got there. Huh, she thought, leaning against the tree. She holds her notebook, as she considers writing something along the lines of "A performance of unrequited love" as she would know how to pull it off perfectly but she knew not to, such a thing was ill suited for something as bright and pure as Trickstar and she didn't want to taint them. Never would she want to.

She ends up crying herself to sleep, she knows this as she awakens to Kuro lightly nudging her awake, he gives her a look that screamed out his concerns and she smiled up at him. She knew she had to ask, if Kuro didn't know, if one person didn't know- she would go insane out of holding it in. "I'm in love with someone who won't ever love me back." 

He sits next to her and sighs, tugging her closer to him, patting her shoulder as his arm was around her casually. "Is it one of those guys in Trickstar?" He asks after a few moments of silence.

"Is my bias that obvious?" She responds, amused as she leans closer in an attempt to poke fun at herself. What a dumb girl she was. She fell for the only member of Trickstar who was taken, and even then, she fell for someone who wouldn't love her even if she wasn't. He was merely a kind boy, he was close to everyone and she wasn't special. She never was. She was an average girl and the only reason anyone found her interesting was because she was a female, had she been a male- she would be brushed aside from the start. 

Kuro's lips didn't quirk up into a smile as expected from him. He probably knew she had this God forsakened illness as she had told him about her past crushes at her old school which weren't returned, and she had never once cried over it. Love wasn't something she found herself caring for often, romance novels were boring and she got annoyed at romance centered subplots and tropes that came out of nowhere. She wasn't a romantic. She wasn't like Arashi, who was and would often describe date ideas over lunch while Anzu quirked her lips up into a smile and winked as she told her to confess her feelings for Mika, only to get a pout in response.

"Anzu, get it removed if possible, alright? Or just...confess." She almost laughed, stories of harsh confessions getting rid of ones feelings were common but she knew how kindly Mao would reject her, he wouldn't for a second consider hurting her and that made her stomach clench. 

"I'll see if I can but I doubt it. I'll deal with this since my friendship with them means the world to me, but Kuro?"

"Yes?" He responds, sounding disappointed that she was obviously not going to follow his advice.

"I wish I fell for you instead." It's a lie. She doesn't like lies but this one had to be said, if it were Kuro, she would be able to get rid of her feelings with relative ease or they would come to love each other as things between her and Kuro often worked out in mystical ways. They would be a good match. She wished she wasn't in love with Mao, but she doesn't wish to love anyone else but him, either.

After all, he's amazing. He's kind, he's reliable, he was fun to talk to and it didn't help that he was easy on the eyes. There was so much more to him, but she was already running off to throw up flowers that she knew that her thoughts would cause her to be there all day, should she think of him anymore than she already was. 


	2. You smell like flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anzu has to go to 2B to meet up with Arashi for lunch. Things don't always work out well, though.

_Goddammit._ Anzu finds herself thinking as she stares at the note in her locker, written in cutesy handwriting with a star sticker sealing the letter closed. Her name was written in pink glitter pen too, meaning the sender was none other than Arashi Narukami. Normally, such a note would please her but she knew it was an invitation to eat lunch together and since she always accepted and waited outside her class after reading one of these notes. Anzu knew not doing so would be out of the ordinary for her. Anzu lightly pressed her finger inside the fold and popped the sticker off to open the envelope, it was an action that caused no unnecessary mess. She then took the parchment which had a slight scent of expensive perfume on it and read the invitation. Mika would be joining them today. That wasn't too odd but another thing did jump out at her, Arashi didn't want Anzu to come alone this time. This wasn't normal for her, but she decided to try it at the very least. Perhaps, she will invite someone out of Arashi's class? Yuzuru and her weren't the closest but she would be lying if she had said she hasn't enjoyed his company. Even if he had tried to feed her a few times.

Anzu placed the sticker on her powder blue blazer, the bright red of it greatly constrasting the color, but being subtle enough to be unnoticed by Keito as she walked past him. She thanked her lucky stars he hadn't noticed it but rather nodded at her when she passed, as he was in the middle of lecturing someone else. She made her way to class rather quickly, she had mapped out the school within the first five weeks and knew of many rooms others wouldn't visit due to Natsume, but she had to admit she would still get lost occasionally due to the size and capacity of the school. She smiled at Natsume as she passed and he glanced at her blazer for a moment before muttering something about the sticker being an obvious fit to her.

Classes practically flew by, with Natsume making rather annoyed faces which were fun to glance at during the lectures and with Souma's genuinely confused glances at the chalkboard on occasion. She tugged her hair into position after the class was dismissed. Arashi cared about how she appeared, and would often fix Anzu's appearance if she noticed a hair out of place and she always ended up looking so much better than she would ever expect but such things were embarrassing. Being fussed over was one of the things Anzu didn't actually like. It was embarrassing and part of the reason she was no longer with Suzu, although Suzu was still her best friend. Arashi was merely a close, close second. 

She smiled when she deemed herself good enough and took to walking to 2B. The class were just about to exit when she arrived, so she leaned back on the wall across from the door, eyes scanning over the boys who were leaving the class. Flurries of different hair colors were visible as they all left in a rush, however, one caught her eye in particular. Silver.

Anzu didn't actually intend to reach out and grab Koga's arm as she had merely thought about doing so, but he stopped and turned to her, eyebrows quirking up. "Anzu, the fuck ya doin'?"

Suddenly, she regretted her impulsive decision. "Would you like to have lunch with me, Mika and Arashi?" The nerves building up in her stomach wasn't actually due to Koga but due to the fact she wasn't actually sure if Koga would accept the invitation as he...could be slightly harsher around certain people. She was one of the lucky exclusions to his attitude. She found herself smiling at the thoughts of their friendship, although, he likely wouldn't admit to being friends with her if asked. He was more of her type, in all actuality, she was never one for boys like Mao. She always found men who live on the edge much more appealing and part of the reason she was so surprised to cough up petals last night was because she deemed everyone in Yumenosaki as too nice for her. She wasn't one to be attracted to kind boys, she doesn't really find herself deserving of that attention from someone nice. 

He surprisingly enough agreed, although he glanced at her suspiciously for a while before speaking up. "You smell different, ya know? Like...flowers or some shit. Ya trying to get to my allergies or something?" 

She spared a surprised glance, sometimes she forgot about Koga's keen sense of smell. He was one to complain about any scent he disliked, even the slightest sprays of her perfume normally bugged him. Anzu smiled at him after a moment, quirking an eyebrow up at him. "My my, you've been paying a lot of attention to me, haven't you?"

"No!" He huffed, slapping her on the back lightly as she had stopped leaning on the wall after the conversation started. She grinned wider at that, he happened to be the only one in the school who didn't see her as frail, she doubted he even saw her as a girl. He was a good guy to hang out with for that reason alone. He didn't care about the way he should be treating her according to everyone else. "Just asking. You normally smell like sweat or paper, ya know?"

She then returned the back slap, much harder in response to the point where the sound of skin slapping turned a few heads of people in the hallway. Smiling, although annoyed as he winced. Arashi happened to the classroom before Koga could complain, holding Mika in tow, who was looking anywhere but her or Koga. She smiled when he finally looked over and catched her eye. He hadn't exactly warmed up to her completely, but he has slowly started to get used to her and openly accepts any candy she may offer. That's enough progress for her.

Arashi shot her a dazzling smile, her face full of glee, before glancing over to Koga and looking slightly confused. She must have remembered requesting Anzu to bring someone a second later as all the confusion in those beautiful eyes changed to excitement. Arashi's smile is an infectious one and she found herself mimicking it before she could even open her mouth. "Anzu, I'm surprised- Is this your type?"

Anzu responded with a choking noise, unable to express a response for a moment before stammering out a very uncomfortable no. They ended up walking while Mika and Arashi attempted to tease Anzu, which resulted in Koga having to step in, in her defense. As you could probably expect from Arashi, this only made the teasing much, much worse. She merely shot Koga a look to drop it, and he did, although grumbling in protest. 

After they finally got to the garden terrace, Anzu pulled out a lunch from seemingly nowhere - although that would only be to the naked eye of people who don't know the magic wonders of a purse. She passed half of it to Koga, she always made more than she would actually be able to eat as occasionally certain idols, namely Leo or Shu would forget to eat in favor of doing their own thing. Koga accepted sharing with her, while Mika and Arashi shared a cake. Arashi fed Mika the strawberry on the top held on by whipped cream as she spoke. "So, I've got something to ask you."

"What is it?" Anzu asked, tilting her head to the side as she tore through a sandwich with absolutely no mercy like a predator would its prey, she got a disappointed glance from Arashi for that. Hell Hath no fury like Anzu when she's hungry, however, as she merely ignored her and continued her savage bites.

"Why didn't you tell me about your crush on Mao-chan?" She ended up choking on something that wasn't flowers that intended to kill her for the second time that day, Arashi merely sighed in response as she glanced over to Mika who seemed shocked at the mention of such a thing. 

"I don't have a crush on anyone, you know if I did, I'd tell you." Koga looked bored as all hell, so she merely sent an apologetic smile his way and turned to her friend again. "Plus, I would tell them too."  _So, hurry up and tell yours. You didn't get Hanahaki, so that means he feels the same, Arashi._

"Hmm, fine. Hurry up and get one though, okay? I know most boys are icky but you've got a good selection here." She winks at Anzu, before pausing a moment and squinting at a sudden noise.  She then pointed over and said. "My, my- is that Ritsu-chan and Mao-chan?" 

Anzu paused, she hadn't actually prepared for meeting them today and had done quite a good job of avoiding them when they had left class. The feeling of nausea filled her stomach again, and she bit into her sandwich to distract from it and hold the flowers down, however, Koga looked over and paused. She must have suddenly looked paler as he was giving her a concerned glance, fingers shaking, she lightly put her sandwich down. "I'm-I'm going to use the restroom." With that, she stood up, and started walking, ignoring Mao and Ritsu's greetings as she shoved past them.

Anzu ended up with her face in the toilet again, coughing and spluttering in an attempt to force the flowers out her throat, with no liquid to aid their journey thus making them burn her poor throat much much more - desperately wheezing as she attempts to breathe normally, all attempts failing. She starts letting out muffled sobs, suddenly feeling much weaker than anyone had ever made her out to be. How could she allow herself to be this way? How could she allow herself to be weak enough to fall for a taken man, nonetheless, a man she wasn't even supposed to interact with outside of producing? 

She jumps as hands hold her hair back, soft mutters in attempt to calm her- the voice is familiar, the shaking hands which seemed hesitant in their decision to touch her were all familiar. It wasn't who many would have expected it to be, it wasn't Arashi who would soothe her with soft compliments about her personality, assuring her that she would get over him, that she was strong. It was Koga, who was rough around the edges but trying his best to help her. "I knew it."

"Don't tell them." Anzu sobbed, his hands finally releasing her long brown strands of silky hair- they got stuck on her face due to the saliva on her chin. She would have found it funny had it not been such a tense situation, he rubbed her back in response to her suddenly tense body. "Please."

He agreed. It took some convincing but he agreed, she was sniffling all the way back to the table and found herself sitting with Arashi, Mika and Koga again. However, as if any god that existed was toying with her, Ritsu and Mao had joined her, Ritsu placed his head on her lap and didn't question why she was sniffling. She found herself smiling as he asked for her blood. Things felt normal, besides Koga's sudden uneasiness. Perhaps, if she just ignored Mao for a while, these things would go away.

She might have to ignore her stomach, too.


End file.
